On light of Zayn Malik cancelling a gig yesterday due to severe anxiety, I've decided to do a blog post on how my anxiety affects me and my everyday life.
I've had anxiety for quite a few years now (probably longer before I actually plucked up the courage to go to the doctor about it). I don't know when or how it began but it was there for a long time before I eventually went to see my doctor about it.
There is a huge stigma attached to mental illness as well as a huge lack of empathy towards those of us who suffer from it. People can be so judgemental towards us and that can make matters ten times worse. It can also stop people asking for help or speaking out about their problems, myself included.
The lack of empathy from the media and jumped up journalists is disgusting. When a celebrity speaks out about having depression, anxiety, bipolar etc they automatically get classed as attention seeking or looking for more fame. People forget that celebrities are just human beings like the rest of us. The pressures of fame in itself can tip them over the edge! Seeing someone whom you class as a role model or whom you're a fan of speaking out about their own problems can help you deal with yours. If a celebrity speaking out about their problems helps some of their fans who are going through the same thing, surely that can be seen as a positive rather than a negative? Then again the press are always looking to be negative about certain celebrity's lives.
The lack of empathy from the media and jumped up journalists is disgusting. When a celebrity speaks out about having depression, anxiety, bipolar etc they automatically get classed as attention seeking or looking for more fame. People forget that celebrities are just human beings like the rest of us. The pressures of fame in itself can tip them over the edge! Seeing someone whom you class as a role model or whom you're a fan of speaking out about their own problems can help you deal with yours. If a celebrity speaking out about their problems helps some of their fans who are going through the same thing, surely that can be seen as a positive rather than a negative? Then again the press are always looking to be negative about certain celebrity's lives.
Anyways how does anxiety affect me?
1)Unexplained Unhappiness
We all get our down days. However I can wake up one morning and feel like complete and utter shit with no reason as to why. It can take just one small thing to see me off in that downward spiral of unhappiness, a comment on the Internet, a story in the paper or someone else's attitude towards me. Once I'm in that mind set it's very hard to get me out of that. Everything and everyone will end up annoying me and making me feel 10 times worse! You feel like everyone is completely against you and that no one is on your side! Even the weather can be against you too! I sometimes call those sort of days, the dementor affect. In Harry Potter, dementors suck all the happiness from the world and make a person relive their worst nightmares. Dementors are actually based on depression. You feel like you're never going to be happy again with no one there to cast a patronus charm to rid you of the dementors.
We all get our down days. However I can wake up one morning and feel like complete and utter shit with no reason as to why. It can take just one small thing to see me off in that downward spiral of unhappiness, a comment on the Internet, a story in the paper or someone else's attitude towards me. Once I'm in that mind set it's very hard to get me out of that. Everything and everyone will end up annoying me and making me feel 10 times worse! You feel like everyone is completely against you and that no one is on your side! Even the weather can be against you too! I sometimes call those sort of days, the dementor affect. In Harry Potter, dementors suck all the happiness from the world and make a person relive their worst nightmares. Dementors are actually based on depression. You feel like you're never going to be happy again with no one there to cast a patronus charm to rid you of the dementors.
2) Paranoia
You feel like people are talking about you or bitching about you. You feel like people are having a good old laugh about you behind your back, even your friends and family! Even people you don't know! You want to stay hidden away from people to avoid this. You don't know where you stand with people either. Feeling this way causes you to push people away and put that guard up again for fear of being let down and hurt.
You feel like people are talking about you or bitching about you. You feel like people are having a good old laugh about you behind your back, even your friends and family! Even people you don't know! You want to stay hidden away from people to avoid this. You don't know where you stand with people either. Feeling this way causes you to push people away and put that guard up again for fear of being let down and hurt.
3)Tiredness
You just feel exhausted, emotionally exhausted! You're not sleeping because your mind is buzzing with thousands of random thoughts so you can't get to sleep at night. You toss and turn which also keeps you awake. You have no motivation and just want to lie in your bed. It's not that you can't be bothered, you just don't have the energy to be bothered with anything. Even if you get 8 hours sleep a night, you still feel exhausted. It doesn't help when people just assume you're being lazy or criticise you for being tired. The tiredness can also come from being fed up of trying your hardest, only to be constantly knocked down by people.
You just feel exhausted, emotionally exhausted! You're not sleeping because your mind is buzzing with thousands of random thoughts so you can't get to sleep at night. You toss and turn which also keeps you awake. You have no motivation and just want to lie in your bed. It's not that you can't be bothered, you just don't have the energy to be bothered with anything. Even if you get 8 hours sleep a night, you still feel exhausted. It doesn't help when people just assume you're being lazy or criticise you for being tired. The tiredness can also come from being fed up of trying your hardest, only to be constantly knocked down by people.
4)Lack of trust
I find it hard to trust people anyway. I will always have my guard up around new people and it will take me a long time for me to drop that guard. If you disobey my trust, I don't forgive easily. If you let me down, I don't forgive and forget easily. Constantly let me down, I will cut ties will you completely! There's a huge chance that I won't open up to people about how I'm really feeling even if I feel I can sort of trust you! If someone constantly lies to me or makes me feel like shit, chances are I'll cut ties with them as I don't need those sort of people in my life! Trust is so important to me, whether it's in a relationship or friendship or even with my family.
I find it hard to trust people anyway. I will always have my guard up around new people and it will take me a long time for me to drop that guard. If you disobey my trust, I don't forgive easily. If you let me down, I don't forgive and forget easily. Constantly let me down, I will cut ties will you completely! There's a huge chance that I won't open up to people about how I'm really feeling even if I feel I can sort of trust you! If someone constantly lies to me or makes me feel like shit, chances are I'll cut ties with them as I don't need those sort of people in my life! Trust is so important to me, whether it's in a relationship or friendship or even with my family.
5) Lack of appetite/wanting to eat everything
This depends on how I'm feeling. I've also got IBS (Irritable bowel syndrome) and acid reflux which affects my appetite. One minute I'll want to eat all around me, the next I'll feel sick at the thought of food! I'll eat regularly because I know I have too. If I'm on a good eating day, I'll make sure I'll eat breakfast, lunch then dinner. If I don't eat, I get grumpy and angry nor can I concentrate. Eating can affect my mood greatly. Despite having a lack of appetite, I couldn't go all day without eating something.
This depends on how I'm feeling. I've also got IBS (Irritable bowel syndrome) and acid reflux which affects my appetite. One minute I'll want to eat all around me, the next I'll feel sick at the thought of food! I'll eat regularly because I know I have too. If I'm on a good eating day, I'll make sure I'll eat breakfast, lunch then dinner. If I don't eat, I get grumpy and angry nor can I concentrate. Eating can affect my mood greatly. Despite having a lack of appetite, I couldn't go all day without eating something.
6)Not being good enough
I get this ALOT! If people feel the need to constantly put me down and slag me of, I will take it to heart and start believing what they are telling me. This affects my home life, my friendships and even my job. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and not good enough at anything! While I appreciate constructive criticism, there's only so much attacking me that I can take before I will crack! If it's something I feel I've done well, I will defend myself and my actions! For example, my stories I publish on fan fiction websites. It someone attacks me just for the sake of being nasty, I won't hesitate to stand up for myself. I've got a low self esteem and I'm very self conscious about my body and looks too. People slating how I live my life or slating me for the things I like can also be included in this too.
7)Being misunderstood and judged
I think everyone has been misunderstood at some point in their lives. People just don't seem to get what you're going through, what's going on inside your head or how you're feeling. Some people seem to think they do but let me tell you this, they don't. Then you have the judgemental people to deal with too. The people who tell you "to get over yourself" or "catch a grip of yourself". These comments can make things ten times worse. It's attitudes like these than stop people from getting help or speaking out about their problems. It can cause people to lock themselves away and push their friends and family away for fear of being judged by society. Then you have people who will force their own problems and opinions onto you too.
8)Wanting to be alone
You just want to be left completely on your own. I'm quite happy to hang out in my room on my own, just doing my own thing, may it be reading, writing or watching television. However on a bad day you just want to be alone and you bark at anyone who annoys or bothers you. You can't deal with people asking you questions. You don't want to bother anyone else with your problems either because you know, your problems aren't as important as other people's. You don't want to socialise either because you don't want to be a burden to other people. I also get very nervous being out in certain public places such as bars and clubs.
9)Needing to Plan
I have to have a plan of action for pretty much everything. Working? I'll have to plan my morning routine so I can make sure I get into work early and get a parking place. Going on holiday? I have to have some sort of a plan in place. I cannot leave everything until the last minute or I will freak out and have an anxiety attack. I need to plan what I'm taking with me, what I'm wearing, what time I need to leave the house at, how I'm getting places and what I'll do once I'm at my destination. There's no such thing as wigging it when you have anxiety.
Having anxiety sucks. I know there are people out there who have way bigger problems than me but anxiety is something I struggle with every single day of my life. Some days are worse than others. Some days I'm as happy as Larry, other days I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.
Anxiety is:
I get this ALOT! If people feel the need to constantly put me down and slag me of, I will take it to heart and start believing what they are telling me. This affects my home life, my friendships and even my job. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and not good enough at anything! While I appreciate constructive criticism, there's only so much attacking me that I can take before I will crack! If it's something I feel I've done well, I will defend myself and my actions! For example, my stories I publish on fan fiction websites. It someone attacks me just for the sake of being nasty, I won't hesitate to stand up for myself. I've got a low self esteem and I'm very self conscious about my body and looks too. People slating how I live my life or slating me for the things I like can also be included in this too.
7)Being misunderstood and judged
I think everyone has been misunderstood at some point in their lives. People just don't seem to get what you're going through, what's going on inside your head or how you're feeling. Some people seem to think they do but let me tell you this, they don't. Then you have the judgemental people to deal with too. The people who tell you "to get over yourself" or "catch a grip of yourself". These comments can make things ten times worse. It's attitudes like these than stop people from getting help or speaking out about their problems. It can cause people to lock themselves away and push their friends and family away for fear of being judged by society. Then you have people who will force their own problems and opinions onto you too.
8)Wanting to be alone
You just want to be left completely on your own. I'm quite happy to hang out in my room on my own, just doing my own thing, may it be reading, writing or watching television. However on a bad day you just want to be alone and you bark at anyone who annoys or bothers you. You can't deal with people asking you questions. You don't want to bother anyone else with your problems either because you know, your problems aren't as important as other people's. You don't want to socialise either because you don't want to be a burden to other people. I also get very nervous being out in certain public places such as bars and clubs.
9)Needing to Plan
I have to have a plan of action for pretty much everything. Working? I'll have to plan my morning routine so I can make sure I get into work early and get a parking place. Going on holiday? I have to have some sort of a plan in place. I cannot leave everything until the last minute or I will freak out and have an anxiety attack. I need to plan what I'm taking with me, what I'm wearing, what time I need to leave the house at, how I'm getting places and what I'll do once I'm at my destination. There's no such thing as wigging it when you have anxiety.
Having anxiety sucks. I know there are people out there who have way bigger problems than me but anxiety is something I struggle with every single day of my life. Some days are worse than others. Some days I'm as happy as Larry, other days I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.
Anxiety is:
- Not being able to trust people.
- Pushing your friends and family away.
- Feeling like you'll never be happy again.
- Getting annoyed over the smallest of things.
- Having a guard up and not letting people in.
- Constantly walking on egg shells.
- Feeling like you're not good enough or nothing you do will ever be good enough.
- Being constantly let down by the people who are supposed to be your friends.
- Feeling like even your friends and family are against you.
- A dark cloud hanging over you.
- A sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.
- The constant worrying over the smallest of things and things that aren't important.
- Not being able to sleep or eat.
- Loosing weight due to stress and not eating.
- Having no confidence in yourself.
- Having the weight of the world on your shoulders.
- Worrying about what other people think even though I shouldn't give a damn.
- Getting annoyed at news stories, comments on social media etc.
- Feeling like you can't have an opinion or stand up for yourself.
- Not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings.
- Needing to plan everything
- Taking everything to heart.
- Having anxiety attacks when you least expect them.
- Feeling angry all the time.
- Wanting to hurt the people who have hurt you in the past.
- Not being able to forgive people who have let you down in the past.
- Not opening yourself up to love so will opt to stay single.
- Being misunderstood and judged.
- Feeling like you can't be yourself.
- Act like a judgemental idiot towards us.
- Act like you understand when you clearly don't.
- Not listen to us when we finally pluck up the courage to open up about what is wrong with us.
- Ignore our cries for help.
- Constantly let us down when we need you the most.
- Critize our life style choices.
- Constantly put us down for no reason at all.
- Make us feel bad about things that are out of our control.
- Guilt trip us.
- Go on about your problems are worse than ours, stopping us from actually speaking out about how we're feeling.
- Tell us to "Get over it" or "get over ourselves" or to "stop being a drama queen".
- Personally attack us when you don't know us all.
- Leave us out constantly.
- Put us in vulnerable situations.
- Judge us before you know our story.
Laura
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