As it's Mental Health Awareness Week, I thought I'd do a little post about my experience. I've already done blog posts on here about my anxiety if you want to check those out. I had a great conversation with a very wise person that got me thinking alot about my experiences.
Firstly was being rejected. I remember in the early days when my anxiety was at its worst, when I didn't understand what the heck was going on inside my head, I tried to reach out to someone who I thought I could trust. I was quickly shot down and rejected which hurt so much and added to the feeling of being worthless and unimportant. This person then preceded to go on about their own problems repeatedly as if theirs were more important and worse than mine.
Now I get everyone has problems of their own, especially during the current pandemic but I reached out to this person only to be kicked to the curb by them. Caroline Flack actually posted a very similar experience on one of her last Instagram posts before she took her own life. I quickly came to realise I couldn't trust this person and never reached out to them again. This seems to happen a lot with people who are going through a difficult time mentally, we get rejected and pushed away by those people we're supposed to be able to trust. We are forced to deal with everything on our own without the help and support of our loved ones. This leads me on to the second event.
My Mum had taken me to the doctor's as she thought I might be depressed. My doctor informed me that it wasn't depression but intact, Anxiety that I was suffering from. I found it difficult to speak openly with my Mum there but she usually accompanied me to my appointments and I never had an issue with this. When we arrived home I expected my Mum to sit me down and get me to open up to her but she didn't. It was all brushed under the carpet and not mentioned again. Even after several melt downs and heated arguements. Apparently I was "too young" to have problems and I needed to "grow up" and "get over myself" None of my siblings were told about it or drafted in to help. They thought I was "bad tempered" and that was it. I love my Mum and pieces and miss her every single day but his hurt that the one time I was really struggling, Mum didn't want to help. I remember one time during a melt down, I was hysterical and took a painful cramp in my leg. I collapsed onto the bottom of the stairs, sobbing uncontroalably and in pain, both physical and mental. No one came to see if I was ok. I was crying out for help but I was left alone. I dragged myself upstairs and quickly learnt how to deal with things on my own. I'd lock myself in my room and sob for hours on my bed, cuddling my favourite cuddly toys. They were my only friends and the only things I could talk too. They didn't talk back, they didn't judge and they wouldn't tell anyone else. That may sound pathetic but they honestly helped me more than any human did at that time. People say that our pets are our best friends but my cuddly toys were mine.
In the past I've had ex best friends, ex work colleges, etc all affect my mental health. I had someone borrow money off me and refuse to pay it back, leaving me broke. Yet I thought I was being a good friend and lending someone money, who apparently needed it. I've had someone I classed as a friend, repeatedly lie to me and let me down when I needed them the most. I walked away from both these people but was made to be the bad guy. I find it hard to trust people, even if I know they're good people. I've learnt that dealing with my problems on my own is easier than being shot down and being judged. I have some amazing people in my life right now but even now I struggle to talk to the likes of Simon.
It's sad that there's people out there who always play the victim and act like everyone else is to blame for their problems without accepting responsibility for their own actions. Hell, I have even thought I was the issue in every situation; I was the bad friend, I was the bad girlfriend.... I drove myself crazy going down that dark path. It's sad when people will blame you but won't hear your side of the story. Maybe I could be to blame for that too. I cut ties with people without hearing their sides. Why did they constantly lie to me? Why couldn't they pay me back the money I lent them? Why did you tell lies about me to your family? Why did you use me and lead me on? Why did you make me feel guilty about having to cancel our plans due to me being unwell?
Mental health is not a joke. We all deal with things in different ways and that's fine. I choose not to openly discuss my problems and fears on social media because so many people are too quick to judge and get offended. I choose not to rely on other people for fear of being rejected yet again. I find it easy to put on a front and act like everything is fine when I go to work. I shut myself down and put barriers up to stop myself from getting hurt.
I'm not perfect and have plenty of imperfections. I don't claim to be something I'm not. I've made choices in life that others may not have liked but at the end of the day I've had to put myself, my mental health and my happiness first. That is not a crime.
We need to be a bit more supportive of one another during the dark times, not just the good times. We shouldn't be afraid to speak up when we're going through a tough time.
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