As a women, one thing that society puts pressure on us about, is our weight and what the ideal women's body should look like.
Over the years I'd read the gossip magazines which would be filled with pages of celebrity diets, perfect bikini bodies, slating celebrity's flaws and giving tips on how to get the perfect beach body in time for summer. This negative view on our bodies can have a huge impact on young girls who look up to the female celebs who are being slated for having a bit of cellulite on their legs or for not rushing to the gym to shed the weight they gained during pregnancy. It could lead so many young girls down the dark path of eating disorders and hating their bodies.
For years I struggled with low self esteem in regards to my weight. I couldn't gain weight easily and would hear comments from people about how I had to eat more or needed to put some weight on or that I was too skinny.
For a long time I weighed 7 and a half stone. I love food and I'm a chocoholic but couldn't gain weight. I disliked my tiny frame, my lack of boobs and having *womenly* hips. I've only ever set foot in a gym 3 times in my life and I'm not exactly one for keeping fit. My idea of exercise was being on my feet all day at work or running up and down the stairs in the shop I worked in.
It took me a very long time to feel comfortable wearing certain types of clothing, including a bikini and shorts. Even now at 36 years old, I'm not comfortable in certain clothing. I'd opt for tights or leggings under dresses and skirts, never wear sandals, never go bra less or wear anything strapless. I refused to wear bodycon, tight fitting, short dresses or skirts, opting for floaty versions instead. I'd often get comments such as "you'd suit that cos you're skinny" yet I couldn't think of anything worse. I'd live in fandom tshirts, jeans, converse and hoodies. Sometimes I'd swap my tees for a nice top, my converse for winter boots and my hoodies for a cardigan. I hated getting dressed up to go out as the last thing I wanted was to follow the trends that you'd wear to a bar on a night out.
My confidence slowly grew and I would start stepping out of my comfort zone while working in clothes shop, Quiz. I thank some of the ladies I worked with for helping me feel good in certain types of clothing, rather than make me feel bad about myself. Then Simon came along and I didn't feel like I had to be someone else around him. He never made nasty comments about my body or weight and liked me for me. It helped me feel better about myself.
an outfit very much out of my comfort zone - January 2019
Me in May 2021 in my go to comfort outfits.
Weight before pregnancy: 7 1/2 stone
During pregnancy: 8 1/2 stone
Weight after pregnancy: 8st 6.
In January 2022, I fell pregnant and I had no idea how my body would change when pregnant. Many people said I would probably be all bump due to my tiny frame and at first I wasn't overly bothered about gaining weight. Actually, I was excited about my boobs getting bigger (sadly that didn't happen). It did take me a few months before I started noticing a difference. My bump didn't make an appearance until I was nearly 6 months pregnant and even then it was easily hid under baggy clothes.
June 2002, 5 months pregnant
The worst moment came when I went to put on my favourite jeans and they wouldn't button on me. I was devastated and it knocked my confidence a lot. As more and more of my trousers and bottoms stopped fitting, my confidence continued to drop. I struggled to find comfortable clothing other than 1 pair of maternity jeans I got off Asos, the jumpsuit I'm wearing in the photo above from Asda and my Disney Cath Kidston dress. I went from my work uniform to my pj's or joggers during the week.
It was very strange to see my once flat stomach disappearing and I had to eventually take my belly button piercing out. It was also strange to think a tiny human was growing inside me. I didn't seem to out weight on anywhere else while pregnant so I could still wear all my tops, jumpers and jackets. I never had to go up a size in my work tshirt and fleece either.
As I got near the end of my pregnancy, I felt huge. Isaac was growing at a decent weight and was estimated to be about 7lb at birth. I was a tiny 5lb 4 when born due to being a month early. I was worried my tiny frame would be an issue with birthing but it was never mentioned. I apparently have good hips though. I felt so uncomfortable no matter what I wore and my bump felt like a bowling ball.
2 days before Isaac arrived
Isaac arrived on the 3rd October 2022, on his actual due date. I remember looking down at my once bump when they were doing checks on Isaac and my bump had deflated and squidgy. It felt so weird. After giving birth, I lived in my joggers and maternity jeans (see photo above). I refused to wear leggings due to the nappy sized sanitary pad I was wearing and I detest leggings anyways. Loosing the baby podge was the last of my worries though, as I got used to being a new Mum. New mums have enough to worry about, without worrying about rushing down to the gym straight away.
The day finally arrived when I fitted into my favourite jeans and I was so happy. It made me feel like myself again. Some of my clothes no longer fitted but I wasn't going to need a leather skirt anytime soon. I recently tried on all my summer clothing and a few pairs of shorts and play suits no longer fitted. My niece actually gave me a pair of shorts the same as my size 6 ones I got rid of that were a size 10 and they fitted perfectly. Some might be devestated at going up 2 clothes sizes but I felt fine. Clothes sizes mean nothing now a days. I have jeans in a size 6, 8 and 10.
My confidence wasn't great as I still had a baby pouch/podge and some clothes still felt uncomfortable. I had to find something nice to wear to my work Christmas party and had no idea what I wanted. I was dreading going shopping for someone new. I found 2 cute dresses from New Look that were right up my street. The one I ended wearing was an impulse buy and I was so happy about it. I hadn't planned on wearing heels that night either but ended up in my black sparkly ones. How I manged to run to the dance floor when the band started singing my fave Westlife song I'll never know lol.
Dress £19.99 from New Look
I actually felt amazing that night, the first time in a very long time. The dress is definitely going to get loads of wear.
My issues with my weight is that I have nothing up top, small boobs and being hippy which has caused a few problems getting nice dresses to fit properly. They end up being too baggy up top if they fit perfect from waist down. This is why I tend to go for a floaty, skater dress rather than body on. Having got rid of my baby weight quite quickly, was met with comments. "you wouldn't even think you had a baby." And I was even called a "skinny Minnie"
A dress I purchased off boohoo which fitted perfectly. It has cute sleeves and was only £15.
I've had my good days and bad days in regards to my confidence. Some days I'll look in the mirror and be happy with my body, other times, especially after a large meal, ill feel a bit rubbish (as I'll be a bit bloated). On one occasion where I felt good would have had 20 year old me in absolutely shock. I tried on a bikini I bought in 2020 for our honeymoon cruise that didn't happen. Back then the bra didn't fit me well, one cup being too loose. (I hate bikini tops that aren't your actual bra size). The bottoms were a little loose then too. To my utter surprise, it fitted perfectly and there was me thinking I hadn't gained any weight on my boobs lol. Another bikini was now to small for me. I rocked this bikini when we visited the spa at Burrendale Hotel in Newcastle. I will apologise for this photo though as I was just back from the pool and hadn't realised the dye had ran out of my new jeans, turning my legs blue, woops.
I've no make up on, my hair was just pulled out of a bun and soaking wet and legs a lovely shade of blue but I felt bloody good here. I'm not pulling my stomach in or did I use any filters. Some women would burn their phones before even thinking about taking a photo of themselves looking like this. In a culture full of celebrities posting the perfect bikini photos (bronzed, perfect beach hair, make up and location) it has made us women ashamed of our real bodies. Stacey Solomon was slated recently for her beach holiday pics months after birthing her little girl, despite her being open and honest and not hiding anything.
If giving birth has taught me anything, it's that our bodies are blooming amazing. They have kept a tiny human alive for about 9 months and have allowed many of us ladies to push them into this world. C-section mamma's you are awesome too. Don't get me wrong, pregnancy puts so much strain and pressure on our bodies and birth can be very traumatic with a very long and difficult recovery both physically and mentally. The last thing we need is the extra pressure on us to rush down the gym to loose the weight we have gained. I will say though, that keeping active and going to the gym can be the perfect escapism for new mums to have some time to themselves which is perfectly fine and every person is different.
I know this blog post probably hasn't made much sense. It did sound much better in my head lol. I will have days where I feel good about myself, usually when I've straightened my hair and applied some make up. I don't wear my hair down often though due to Isaac pulling it. Some days I will feel like crap about myself. I've found getting a shower and getting dressed has helped as in the early days I'd live in my pyjamas.
I'm back to work soon and although I'm dreading leaving Isaac, I'm looking forward to being more active, running up and down the stairs. I do try to take Isaac out for walks into our village but with the heat wave it was too hot, especially with a hill to climb on way back home.
I may never be 100% happy with my body or looks (I wish for flawless clear skin and straight white teeth) but I'm healthy (as far as I know) and happy and that's all that matters right now. If I do decide to have another baby in the future, who knows how my body will react but I'm content right now.
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